Things You Would Love To Say At Work

  • I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll be it’s hard to pronounce.
  • How about never? Is that good for you?
  • I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  • I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
  • I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarting.
  • I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
  • I don’t work here, I’m a consultant.
  • It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
  • I like you.  You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
  • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  • I’m not being rude, you’re just insignificant.
  • Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  • Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  • If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  • Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  • Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  • Nice perfume.  Must you marinate in it?
  • Chaos, panic and disorder…my work here is done.
  • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a salary.

How Long Is Shortly?

We’ve all heard those “Greatest Lies Ever Told.” (Apologies to Fulton Oursler!) You know, the ones like “The check’s in the mail” and “I’m from the government and I’m here to help.” Then there’s the lesser known ones like “But honey, I’m only going to buy a couple things” and “The tow truck will be there in 15 and 50 minutes.”

I propose that a new one be added to the list: “A representative will be with you shortly.” We’ve all been on hold at some point in our lives and heard the recording of the nice, usually female, voice that breaks in to the on-hold music and says: “Your call is important to us. Please hold and a representative will be with your shortly.” Although the exact wording may vary slightly, they all pretty much follow the same script. I call foul on them all!

Almost 15 years ago we moved into our new house. We had the house wired for security and shortly after moving in, we had ADT come and install a system for us. After a few years, we were sick of the high price and the lousy service and switched to Checkpoint Services. A few years after that, they were purchased by Brinks Security, who, after a few years, spun that division off into a wholly-owned subsidiary call Broadview Security. Well, when that happened we knew what was coming next and it happened, Broadview Security was sold to ADT.

Now, we’re back where we started again. Shortly after taking over, ADT couldn’t resist and increased the rates. With nowhere to go, we had no choice to put up with it. Recently, we accepted an offer on our house and the one thing I was the happiest about was getting rid of ADT. I called and arranged to have our service canceled. However, a few weeks later, the deal fell through.

So, here we were, having to call them back up and cancel our “cancellation.” You would expect that this would be a simple process, if I could get a hold of someone to talk to. Over the course of a day, I spent almost two hours on the phone, waiting for a chance to speak to “an associate.” This was over the course of three attempts. The first attempt I gave up after 45 minutes and the other two attempts I gave up after 30 minutes. On each of the calls, they played the same song (only one) and it was only interrupted by that friendly female voice every 90 seconds reminding me that “an associate will be with your shortly.”

After a day of frustrations, I finally took to the ADT web site and filled out the contact form. I selected “Moving” from the list of departments to contact and told them briefly (I was limited to 250 characters) of what I wanted. About 10 minutes after we activated the alarm that evening to go out to run some errands, ADT calls back. (My daughter believes they waited for this to happen before they called!) Was it a call to handle my cancellation issue? Nope, they were calling me to try to sell me a system.

So, not only does there not appear to be anyone working in the ADT “Moving Department,” they also don’t appear to have anyone that can read the contact request properly. I guess I shouldn’t expect anything more considering the state of our <sarcasm> wonderful </sarcasm> government educational systems.

Time to make a phone call again….and wait on hold. If I go crazy, you’ll know it’s because they’re still playing that same song…over…and over…and over…and over…

Afraid!?!

 A guy cruises through a stop sign,and gets pulled over by a local policeman.  Guy hands the cop his driver’s license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There’s a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I’ve got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there’s an AR15 and a shotgun. That’s about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range…?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of…?"

"Not a thing…"

Jesus Knows You’re Here

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’  He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, ‘Jesus is watching you.’  Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.  ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’  ‘Moses,’ replied the bird.  ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

Dear Grim Reaper

So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer Michael Jackson, my favorite actor Patrick Swayze and my favorite singer Stephen Gately and my favorite actress Farah Fawcett.

Just so you know, my favorite politicians are Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Charlie Rangel and Barney Frank !!

Senior Health Care Solution According to Maxine

noname

So you’re a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison.

There you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any income taxes anymore.

Satan

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’

The man replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’

‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.

‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the man.

‘Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.

‘Don’t doubt it for a minute,’ returned the old man, in an even tone.

‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.

‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.

‘And you are still not afraid?’ asked Satan.

‘ Nope,’ said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘Why aren’t you afraid of me?’

The man calmly replied, ‘Been married to your sister for 48 years.