Things You Would Love To Say At Work

  • I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll be it’s hard to pronounce.
  • How about never? Is that good for you?
  • I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  • I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
  • I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarting.
  • I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
  • I don’t work here, I’m a consultant.
  • It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
  • I like you.  You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
  • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  • I’m not being rude, you’re just insignificant.
  • Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  • Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  • If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  • Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  • Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  • Nice perfume.  Must you marinate in it?
  • Chaos, panic and disorder…my work here is done.
  • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a salary.